Soggy

 down it comes

will it ever stop?

gutters clogged

spilling over the top

used to let

things run its course

now I fret

in my discord

saturated

all around

the ground makes

that squishy sound

it will be soaked

it will be wet

but then it will stop.

no healthy upstream

 I tried to say it, yet again

Crumbled up the paper before I even wrote the words

None of it matters anymore, if it ever even did. 

I can say the same thing in a thousand languages

but I can't make it make sense. 

If I was a kinder man

If I could still a shaky hand

If there was promise left inside

If it wasn't infected with rot

I don't know why it fixates me so

There's nothing but phantoms in my reflection

When did my focus become so distorted?

How long before my eyes fully adjust? 

My insides are twisted

I'm being held up with wire

My animation is not my intent

Who's calling the shots here? 

MOVE.

 Voices in my ears

pulling me backwards

calling my name

in a familial tone

Telling me to look

under every stone

but everything dissolved

inside of my hands

they all turn to sand

and float through my fingers

I cannot contain

what drifts away

I am translucent

and yet

still in the way. 

Waves

On the first day, I was lost

Scrambling around

In the desert

Crawling on my knees

I couldn't even breath

Then came the wave

And I was carried out to sea

Trying to keep my head

Above the water

I still couldn't breath

And when I washed ashore

There was acceptance

And peace

But only for a time

Until another wave

Carries me again

This time much further

And it takes all night

Just to be washed ashore

And crawling back again

But this time tentative

And avoidant and afraid

Because it doesn't take much

Before another wave

And everytime it happens

I hold a little more water

Inside my lungs

Barely able to breath

But there's always healing

Just with a little

More scar tissue

Petty

 If we're free falling 

at least I hope

the ground is soft

if not I fear

I may not make it

I fell before

collapsed a lung

not a bad one they said

but none is good

but this is worse

I have no words

only air inside

these whistling birds

they're lonely now

all red and blue

they didn't know

they had no clue

I picked them up

and held too tight

I had to let go

I couldn't watch them die. 

?

 how can it be wrong

when no one knows

precisely what

it is you are doing?

Another Day Goes By.

 Another day goes by. 

I'm waving away the flies from my eyes. 

Another errant year, avoidance turned to fear, 

Another day goes by. 

It's coming up again. 

I'm setting off alarms until they begin. 

I blink and then it's gone, it wasn't here for long 

but it's coming up again. 

Another day goes by. 

I'm cauterizing wounds until pain subsides. 

Another loved one lost, some uncalculated cost, 

Another day goes by. 

I'm waking up again. 

I'm brushing off the dust that had settled in. 

I'm born into a box, I've gummed up all the locks, 

To be waking up again. 

Another day goes by.

I can't remember any reason why? 

I watch them move along, wheels and cart and all, 

Another day goes by. 

I'm sorry for my thoughts. 

I'm sorry for the people who I led astray, 

I'm sorry for my words, I'm sorry if you've heard

but I'm sorry for my thoughts. 

It's hard not to feel like it's all your fault. 

Like you've pushed every person away. 

It's hard not to feel like you're the worst. 

And everyone's dying just to get away. 

Give it up, all of this pain. Give it to someone deserving. 

But who's more deserving than I? 

Give it up, it's not yours but the ones who abuse you. 

But why do they all have my voice? 

Why does the earth seem to tremble and quake? 

When do the heavens cry out for my sake? 

What does it matter if every voice

echo's the same refrain, "You, the mistake."

When is enough ever enough? 

Why did I push them away? 

When will I learn, when will I see? 

Tolerance isn't the goal, but the absence of pain. 

Any given 13th

In any given moment

at any given time

in any situation

I can disappear.

If I close my eyes tight enough

If I clench my fists both tight

I can turn my body transparent

and dissolve inside my mind. 

It doesn't take all day,

it doesn't require much energy

I can wish away my fears

and take away my pain. 

It's hard to see the future

when you're looking over your shoulder

Always worried some distant mistake

Is rearing for an attack

Remember me? They say to me

Furrowed brow in reluctance

Of course of course, how could I not

My cognizance is still within

It doesn't matter the quality

It only matters if there's content

How content is my contention? 

I'm almost out of wares. 

Oh my Chrom.

Well I've been here for 30 years

and I can't take it anymore

too much pollution in my head

it's turned me rotten to the core

there is a map inside my pack

and it will lead me to the path

but I sold it for a ride

and now I'm stuck filling my tires

always trying to shut up 

when there's nothing getting in

tensions tender enough now

to cut through like margarine

I wonder I wonder

how different I'd be

had I been born in

another century. 

How simple, yet sad; 

to have been born bad

yet to go on believing 

there's potential for good.

Every day another mask

until I fall over from the weight

each one more manufactured

until there's nothing left to fake

I'm chock full of spiders

I'm riddled with them

can't shake the feeling

they are my brethren

have mercy on me

o bringer of rain

dilute this poison

and absolve my pain

come at me with fire

and cleanse this wound

give me your hand

release me from Doom.

this program is fixed

it's bugged by design

there's no hope encoding

what's made maligned

there's terror in the skies

and whispers in the wind

a storm is raging deep inside

best to keep it in. 

What I've Got.

I've got a dollar on the last one

It paid out now worthiness is gone

It never mattered if it's dirty 

so long as it can be redeemed. 

I've got another broken wheel left

It took me twice as long to roll it here

I traded every ounce of blood for kerosene

and now I'm burning all my things

I've got one hundred million particles

They look like me under a microscope

I washed them all with that kerosene

and now they're yearning for my help

But you won't ever see the light of day! 

You'll never speak when there's nothing left to say! 

It's hard to run when you've got no legs! 

You'll never make it until you crawl! 

I've got a lot of reasons left to stay. 

It doesn't take all night to run away. 

I used to have an engine warming up

but I've got nothing left inside my cup. 

It never mattered to me anyway! 

I used to beg and beg and beg and beg! 

I'm tired of screaming out inside my head

Everything I know is buried beneath my bed. 

And you can't make me believe anymore than I can

I used to pray that he would take my hand

and make me better, make me understand

Why is it so hard to be a simple man? 

I'm gnawing on my millstone.

I'm grinding teeth until I get to bone.

I'm tearing at the seams until there's nothing left

Just tatters and tatters of worn out thread!