Thursday, January 30, 2020

What a Wonderful Day.

You know who you are
I wish I did
All these problems in my mind
they never end
And you can tell time
I lost all of mine
All these waste years
come back to haunt you.
You were right back then
and I never win
All these bastards here
all came before me
and you can tell me why
I never could go
and I will still be here
where I've always been.

You know me
you know who I've been
all these medications
can't change who I am.
it's in my boiling blood
it's in the epidermis
despite all my attempts
I'm still the same me.

Christ, sometimes I get so confused in my own head. I wish I had a way to erase the static besides just creating more. Is that the goal, to drown out the noise with an even more audible sound? My ears are ringing and all I can thinking about are ways to further sabotage any semblance of success I have. These words come as though I have something to say, instead of just trying to fixate my thoughts on something tangible. Something is stirring inside and has been for some time. There are lights blinking in synchronicity and without pause. There is no focus left, only chaos. My mind is a birds nest made of crumpled copper wire. It takes every ounce of my being to not shove the entire thing into my mouth and chew.



Woof woof.

The dog in the back of my mind barks.
He is trying to tell me something.
I turn around to see him running in the opposite direction.
He is trying to lead me to something.
I follow as quickly as I can, trying to keep up.
He's running at full speed, he is panting.
I finally catch up and when I do,
We're standing at the edge of a cliff.
To fall from this height would be fatal.
To look over would induce anxiety.
This dog stands at the edge of this cliff.
He looks into the distance below, and back to me.
In a whirlwind of emotions, I can understand.
This cliff, this great distance beyond is not for me.
It is meant as a cautionary tale.
Do not follow the dog that leads you astray.
You have forgotten where you were going in the first place.
Whose dog is this, anyway?
I don't remember calling his name.

Monday, January 13, 2020

Veni Vidi Vale

I wonder what happened. I mean it used to be so easy. I could sit and waste away for hours coming up with insignificant dribble, but now? Now I can't even waste the better part of a minute thinking of things that I'd rather be waiting on, instead of waiting for.

For want of something better, when do we sever our ties? It's hard to break a habit that is tied in your identity. It's hard to move on when you keep bringing it with you. It's never going to be easy, and it never was. This self infliction of pointy things leaves me leaking from my appendages. I've never been so transparent in my life. I've never seen the wheels turning, only assumed.

I've set in motion a plan that will bring upon the collapse of what I think I am. I've written about my sorrows, my sadness, and lack of motivation to get off of this fucking bed and put to rest the rumors that there's nothing in these fingers but dishonesty and blasphemy.


Until then though, we'll sit here sifting through memories that weren't as good as you think. I'm upended by the notion that I'd rather return than wait for the next one. Which one is it? Is it time, now, or later to get back to where I was before? I'm tired of running my engine if I'm not going anywhere. This idle infuriates me. I cannot remain motionless for too much longer, lest I crumble and sift through the cracks in the corroded floor that is humanity.

Until you know what I mean, I'll just repeat myself. But you're never going to get it, not until the wheels fall off and roll errant in no particular direction. At least you tried. 

Clarity and the Boredom that comes with

Damned if do
and if I don't, damn
it doesn't matter who
we'll just say manager
until we run out of expletives
we'll start using the bleep
until we get tired of pretending
we forgot what the words mean
and if I settle into the sediment
and sift into the flotsam
I'll combine myself and make a float
and drift away towards mecca.
isn't that the prized one?
an ancient prophet told me so.
I never liked his manner of speech
much less the cut of his brow.
it doesn't matter who
so long as you know when
it doesn't matter to me
it only matters when
the timing is suspect
but the subject is timid
I wait awhile for some bird
to build a nest in my ear canal


I tried giving up again, we'll see how long it lasts this time.
I tried giving in again, but lost when I fell out.

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

I sea.

Lately, the words just having been coming out it seems. I mean, I try to sit down and really collect my thoughts but there's nothing to relay. It's not that I feel bad about it by any means, it's just the absence of any real substance. I wonder if this is truly better. I suppose I feel alright, to a certain degree. But at what point is it better to just live and let die? A wound can only fester for so long. Infection takes hold eventually. I tried listening to old recordings and it only brought confusion and regret. Why does reflection always cause future reluctance? I rely on so much these days, just to keep the anchor tight. There's no movement tonight, though the storm rages on. My battle between the sea and it's vastness. I'm overrun by the barnacles... I'm waiting for the next safe passage across, but I'm fresh out of tokens.

Friday, March 22, 2019

Sleepyseed

Heaven help me
I'm on my knees
begging and praying
to set me free
from so many games
with forgotten rules
it's too mundane
to be abused
Heaven once tried
to escape us mortals
closed the gates tight
and left em boarded
when crowds gathered around
they knew who to blame
the devil brought us
we're all insane
but once we return
to the geological shit
we'll be reminded by dirt
we're no better than it
nor is the fool
who cobbles his shoes
only to find
they're a size too small
nor is the leper
who feels no pain
he lives euphora
while none remains
I'm denying my right
to submit myself again
to something more worthy
than a cast iron pan
it's sturdy at least
from whence it came
we now know not
who's price was paid.
I'm rambling again
these words in my head
all come out as jargon
and I've made my bed.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

LONG

It's been the worst trip
In years it's been a lifetime
Regrets all blending into one
Another forgotten setting sun

It's been a home run
I feel like I could run for hours
In no particular direction
Another errant destination

And I'm trying to live each day
Like I'm good enough to play
I somehow made the team I know
Still got so far left to go

But I'm still trying to live each day
Like my thoughts warrant a say
I somehow gained enough ability
To arm the same artillery

It's been a long day
Living inside an iron curtain
Corrosion slowly slipping in
Another foreign dream