Good Grief!

A voicemail, replayed again and again. Your words, engraved into my brain and echoing through my head. I can't escape this feeling, the longing for just another conversation. The longing just to hear your voice again. It brings me to tears, and I'm paralyzed by this weight. 

I miss you, and I'm so sorry you were alone. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, and I didn't notice the pain you were going through. I want to move on, and I want to feel happy again, but the pain will not subside. It's an open wound, dripping and refusing to stop. I'm sorry is all I can even think to say, but there are no ears to hear my words. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. You should be here, but you're not. I could have helped you, but I didn't. I didn't know what was at stake, I didn't stop to think at all. 

I ruminate on every mistake, every missed call, every unspoken word. I'm digging myself into the ground by spinning my wheels until I'm buried beneath this guilt, this defeat. I was supposed to be there for you. I was supposed to anwer the call, and help you through anything. I failed you, and I can't stop thinking that things would be different if I had just answered the phone. 

I need to be strong. I need to be better, and move on. I'm trying, I swear I am. I'm trying so hard to be the person I'm supposed to be. The father, the husband, I'm supposed to be. I'm always coming up short, though. Always filling the tank, just to find another leak. But there is reason to persist. There are a multitude of reasons, in fact. There is warmth, and comfort, and solace in the memories and the wisdom that comes with understanding. 

But right now, I don't understand anything and I just want you to come back. It shouldn't be so hard to say goodbye, because you're already gone, but it is. My chest is heavy, it's hard to speak the words. Some days, it's so hard just to find the energy to get out of bed, but that doesn't fix anything. My stagnation only impedes my own progress, and the potentially postive impact I can have on those still here. I couldn't save you, and I'm sorry. I will always love you, and you will always be my family, my brother. 

Goodbye, my friend.