1/3/26

1/3/26 

The calendar is full of lies 

The days are growing wings and I've

Been swatting them like flies, 

Avoiding my goodbye.

But if it's been so long

Then why can I still hear you

Every time that I come home? 

Now I walk the path alone. 

How many days have passed

Since I laid down beside you

and I tried to take to your pain

but only could make more. 

But how could it be so long? 

I can still feel you looking over my shoulder 

I still see your shadow coming closer 

I still hear you every time I come home. 

The days are flying by 

and here I am still stuck 

on the last calendar page

I'm still here, but everything has changed. 

Disinference, or the vitriol that comes after

Have I made it? Am I even catching up? 

I'm barely moving and I'm covered in mud. 

An uphill battle and I'm still on the ground

Every step I climb sends the boulder back down. 

My watch keeps blinking ZERO HOUR

Must be a premonition or running out of power. 

Crawling my way through another chat pile

Save the dental records to light another funeral pyre.

The peak grows even taller still

It's getting tougher to swallow each pill. 

No foothold when the grade is this steep

It's futile to resist, better just to sleep. 

I dream of endless weight

crushing me into oblivion

and when the darkness fades

empty light becomes lifeless remains

I wake up gasping for air

What made you think it was ever fair? 

Another state of disrepair

What makes you think I care?

Good Grief!

A voicemail, replayed again and again. Your words, engraved into my brain and echoing through my head. I can't escape this feeling, the longing for just another conversation. The longing just to hear your voice again. It brings me to tears, and I'm paralyzed by this weight. 

I miss you, and I'm so sorry you were alone. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, and I didn't notice the pain you were going through. I want to move on, and I want to feel happy again, but the pain will not subside. It's an open wound, dripping and refusing to stop. I'm sorry is all I can even think to say, but there are no ears to hear my words. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. You should be here, but you're not. I could have helped you, but I didn't. I didn't know what was at stake, I didn't stop to think at all. 

I ruminate on every mistake, every missed call, every unspoken word. I'm digging myself into the ground by spinning my wheels until I'm buried beneath this guilt, this defeat. I was supposed to be there for you. I was supposed to anwer the call, and help you through anything. I failed you, and I can't stop thinking that things would be different if I had just answered the phone. 

I need to be strong. I need to be better, and move on. I'm trying, I swear I am. I'm trying so hard to be the person I'm supposed to be. The father, the husband, I'm supposed to be. I'm always coming up short, though. Always filling the tank, just to find another leak. But there is reason to persist. There are a multitude of reasons, in fact. There is warmth, and comfort, and solace in the memories and the wisdom that comes with understanding. 

But right now, I don't understand anything and I just want you to come back. It shouldn't be so hard to say goodbye, because you're already gone, but it is. My chest is heavy, it's hard to speak the words. Some days, it's so hard just to find the energy to get out of bed, but that doesn't fix anything. My stagnation only impedes my own progress, and the potentially postive impact I can have on those still here. I couldn't save you, and I'm sorry. I will always love you, and you will always be my family, my brother. 

Goodbye, my friend. 

Growth On a Really, Really, Small Scale

Where did my mind go? 

I can't seem to find it anywhere. 

Where did the time go? 

I'm not supposed to be here.

Where is there person I was supposed to be? 

There's nothing but misdirection in front of me. 

The more that I strive to be a man, 

I'm reminded how much of a boy I still am. 

I just wish that you could see

the person that I want to be. 

Where do you go to get out of the rain when there's a downpour inside of your brain? 

What do you call yourself when you forget your own name?  

I'm alone in this world, because I live inside my mind. 

Every time I leave the house, someone else closes my mouth.