Waterlogged

The arrows all point in the same direction, 

So many reasons, but the result is the same. 

My body sinks deeper with every reflection. 

A soggy matchbook unable to produce a flame. 

The dog in my mind doesn't need me to bleed. 

But the memories are sharp and cut too deep. 

She circles the bowl when it's time to feed. 

But I'm out of luck and there's holes in my keep. 

Day after day, 

one foot, then the other. 

She was my favorite, 

I'll never love another. 

Pennies in the fountain, 

With every petal I pull, 

I need to stop counting. 

The coffer's already full. 

I'd pay any cost

and sever every tie

I wouldn't see it lost, 

if she could still be mine. 

1/3/26

1/3/26 

The calendar is full of lies 

The days are growing wings and I've

Been swatting them like flies, 

Avoiding my goodbye.

But if it's been so long

Then why can I still hear you

Every time that I come home? 

Now I walk the path alone. 

How many days have passed

Since I laid down beside you

and I tried to take to your pain

but only could make more. 

But how could it be so long? 

I can still feel you looking over my shoulder 

I still see your shadow coming closer 

I still hear you every time I come home. 

The days are flying by 

and here I am still stuck 

on the last calendar page

I'm still here, but everything has changed. 

Growth On a Really, Really, Small Scale

Where did my mind go? 

I can't seem to find it anywhere. 

Where did the time go? 

I'm not supposed to be here.

Where is there person I was supposed to be? 

There's nothing but misdirection in front of me. 

The more that I strive to be a man, 

I'm reminded how much of a boy I still am. 

I just wish that you could see

the person that I want to be. 

Where do you go to get out of the rain when there's a downpour inside of your brain? 

What do you call yourself when you forget your own name?  

I'm alone in this world, because I live inside my mind. 

Every time I leave the house, someone else closes my mouth.

Another Day Goes By.

 Another day goes by. 

I'm waving away the flies from my eyes. 

Another errant year, avoidance turned to fear, 

Another day goes by. 

It's coming up again. 

I'm setting off alarms until they begin. 

I blink and then it's gone, it wasn't here for long 

but it's coming up again. 

Another day goes by. 

I'm cauterizing wounds until pain subsides. 

Another loved one lost, some uncalculated cost, 

Another day goes by. 

I'm waking up again. 

I'm brushing off the dust that had settled in. 

I'm born into a box, I've gummed up all the locks, 

To be waking up again. 

Another day goes by.

I can't remember any reason why? 

I watch them move along, wheels and cart and all, 

Another day goes by. 

I'm sorry for my thoughts. 

I'm sorry for the people who I led astray, 

I'm sorry for my words, I'm sorry if you've heard

but I'm sorry for my thoughts. 

It's hard not to feel like it's all your fault. 

Like you've pushed every person away. 

It's hard not to feel like you're the worst. 

And everyone's dying just to get away. 

Give it up, all of this pain. Give it to someone deserving. 

But who's more deserving than I? 

Give it up, it's not yours but the ones who abuse you. 

But why do they all have my voice? 

Why does the earth seem to tremble and quake? 

When do the heavens cry out for my sake? 

What does it matter if every voice

echo's the same refrain, "You, the mistake."

When is enough ever enough? 

Why did I push them away? 

When will I learn, when will I see? 

Tolerance isn't the goal, but the absence of pain. 

Any given 13th

In any given moment

at any given time

in any situation

I can disappear.

If I close my eyes tight enough

If I clench my fists both tight

I can turn my body transparent

and dissolve inside my mind. 

It doesn't take all day,

it doesn't require much energy

I can wish away my fears

and take away my pain. 

It's hard to see the future

when you're looking over your shoulder

Always worried some distant mistake

Is rearing for an attack

Remember me? They say to me

Furrowed brow in reluctance

Of course of course, how could I not

My cognizance is still within

It doesn't matter the quality

It only matters if there's content

How content is my contention? 

I'm almost out of wares.