Happy.

I was barely older than you when we found this little pup.

Her tail wouldn't stop wagging so she must've been happy

She was always stuck to my leg like a bootknife 

Never needed a lead, I knew she'd never leave

I was barely a man when I left her behind

and the years that past weren't always kind

She got so much older, started losing her sight

So I made more time and she held on alright

But things changed so fast and it's never seemed fair

that the day that she let go, I wasn't there

I loved her so much and without trying to be sappy

Every time I think of her, she can still make me happy. 

Good Grief!

A voicemail, replayed again and again. Your words, engraved into my brain and echoing through my head. I can't escape this feeling, the longing for just another conversation. The longing just to hear your voice again. It brings me to tears, and I'm paralyzed by this weight. 

I miss you, and I'm so sorry you were alone. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, and I didn't notice the pain you were going through. I want to move on, and I want to feel happy again, but the pain will not subside. It's an open wound, dripping and refusing to stop. I'm sorry is all I can even think to say, but there are no ears to hear my words. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. You should be here, but you're not. I could have helped you, but I didn't. I didn't know what was at stake, I didn't stop to think at all. 

I ruminate on every mistake, every missed call, every unspoken word. I'm digging myself into the ground by spinning my wheels until I'm buried beneath this guilt, this defeat. I was supposed to be there for you. I was supposed to anwer the call, and help you through anything. I failed you, and I can't stop thinking that things would be different if I had just answered the phone. 

I need to be strong. I need to be better, and move on. I'm trying, I swear I am. I'm trying so hard to be the person I'm supposed to be. The father, the husband, I'm supposed to be. I'm always coming up short, though. Always filling the tank, just to find another leak. But there is reason to persist. There are a multitude of reasons, in fact. There is warmth, and comfort, and solace in the memories and the wisdom that comes with understanding. 

But right now, I don't understand anything and I just want you to come back. It shouldn't be so hard to say goodbye, because you're already gone, but it is. My chest is heavy, it's hard to speak the words. Some days, it's so hard just to find the energy to get out of bed, but that doesn't fix anything. My stagnation only impedes my own progress, and the potentially postive impact I can have on those still here. I couldn't save you, and I'm sorry. I will always love you, and you will always be my family, my brother. 

Goodbye, my friend. 

Lonely Harts Rd.

Driving to town

I passed that place

The brand new fence

Hit me in the face

Knuckles turned white

Yet I was a stone 

What happened that night

I don't get to know

There's so much regret

I can't seem to let go

Would any of it have changed

If I answered the phone? 

I live with this

You don't get to

Maybe, I guess,

I'll see you soon?

I close my eyes

When I reach every bend

Almost there but

the nightmare never ends. 

It makes my heart race

I doubt I'll ever sit still

I hope you found peace

I doubt I ever will. 

There's some darkness 

That won't subside

No headlights ever will

Illuminate my mind.

I always get caught rambling

But I never get to stay

How's it been so long now

But it feels just like today?

There's so much of you left

So much I don't dare forget

You were the petal and the thorn,

Balance in it's truest form. 

My brother, my greatest friend, 

I'll miss you until I meet my end. 

And where ever I end up in death, 

I just hope there's peace in my last breath. 

Another Day Goes By.

 Another day goes by. 

I'm waving away the flies from my eyes. 

Another errant year, avoidance turned to fear, 

Another day goes by. 

It's coming up again. 

I'm setting off alarms until they begin. 

I blink and then it's gone, it wasn't here for long 

but it's coming up again. 

Another day goes by. 

I'm cauterizing wounds until pain subsides. 

Another loved one lost, some uncalculated cost, 

Another day goes by. 

I'm waking up again. 

I'm brushing off the dust that had settled in. 

I'm born into a box, I've gummed up all the locks, 

To be waking up again. 

Another day goes by.

I can't remember any reason why? 

I watch them move along, wheels and cart and all, 

Another day goes by. 

I'm sorry for my thoughts. 

I'm sorry for the people who I led astray, 

I'm sorry for my words, I'm sorry if you've heard

but I'm sorry for my thoughts. 

It's hard not to feel like it's all your fault. 

Like you've pushed every person away. 

It's hard not to feel like you're the worst. 

And everyone's dying just to get away. 

Give it up, all of this pain. Give it to someone deserving. 

But who's more deserving than I? 

Give it up, it's not yours but the ones who abuse you. 

But why do they all have my voice? 

Why does the earth seem to tremble and quake? 

When do the heavens cry out for my sake? 

What does it matter if every voice

echo's the same refrain, "You, the mistake."

When is enough ever enough? 

Why did I push them away? 

When will I learn, when will I see? 

Tolerance isn't the goal, but the absence of pain. 

Any given 13th

In any given moment

at any given time

in any situation

I can disappear.

If I close my eyes tight enough

If I clench my fists both tight

I can turn my body transparent

and dissolve inside my mind. 

It doesn't take all day,

it doesn't require much energy

I can wish away my fears

and take away my pain. 

It's hard to see the future

when you're looking over your shoulder

Always worried some distant mistake

Is rearing for an attack

Remember me? They say to me

Furrowed brow in reluctance

Of course of course, how could I not

My cognizance is still within

It doesn't matter the quality

It only matters if there's content

How content is my contention? 

I'm almost out of wares.