A Timeline of Grief: Perpetual

 

I was powerless in April

Until I turned the page over

Now I'm powerless in May

Out of ink from slashing days

I took the things you gave me, 

Now I reap what I sow

You saw the good inside of me,

and now, nobody knows.

The life I had

It's over now

The fruit went bad

Inside my hand

It's all a joke

I just don't get

I'm sorry for

My part in it

The sun had set

Before my eyes

I couldn't sleep

There was no time

I tried to melt

And drain away

It was so cold

But you remained

You weren't supposed to leave us. 

You never should have died. 

I wish I could have saved you. 

I'm sorry girl, I tried. 

I never knew the depths I could find

Forever digging with you on my mind

Another way to delay a little pain

As above, so below 

Only you will ever know

In dreams I'm stuck

Chasing after you

Around the bend

Where'd you run off to? 

The morning bell

I pay the toll

Embrace restraint 

And let it roll

A shell without a core 

Always searching for more

I've uploaded all the data

But still am incomplete 

It's like I'm losing power 

And the lights are getting dim 

The engine's revving high 

But I'm not moving 

Nothing else could have it

It's never coming back

My heart is in her memory

It's all that I have left

I don't want what I have, 

I would fold my hand

Just to take yours 

Only once more. 

Through the Window

Looking in from the window

Is this what life has become? 

The glue that held me together

Has become undone

Every night under the moonlight

Always watching from the shadows.

Keeper of your every comfort,

When will I find my own?

I don't want to live on your dime

But I feel like I've got more time

Is the choice really yours or mine? 

I don't think I'm ready to die.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I don't want nothing to count on me 

I don't want to let it all down 

It's hard enough to hold the line 

When you're leaning on a rain cloud

Didn't need to lay you down to rest 

You were already on the ground 

So I laid down beside you 

Until the sun came 'round

I don't know what else to do

It seemed like it already happened

But there was no light, or warmth, or hope.

The day only brought darkness and pain.

Since then I've been stacking rocks

and cursing the wind when they fall.

Praying to the birds that there's some meaning in this misery.

Some long awaited reward at the end of the pit.

Digging deeper, still.

Have I reached you yet? 

There's a song in my heart

But it stopped when yours did

I can't lose if I don't play 

So what's the point?

I don't want your help

because you wouldn't get it

I don't want the pain

I just want to forget it. 

I don't mean that,

I'm sorry I said it.

but it hasn't been the same

and I'll always regret it.

1/3/26

1/3/26 

The calendar is full of lies 

The days are growing wings and I've

Been swatting them like flies, 

Avoiding my goodbye.

But if it's been so long

Then why can I still hear you

Every time that I come home? 

Now I walk the path alone. 

How many days have passed

Since I laid down beside you

and I tried to take to your pain

but only could make more. 

But how could it be so long? 

I can still feel you looking over my shoulder 

I still see your shadow coming closer 

I still hear you every time I come home. 

The days are flying by 

and here I am still stuck 

on the last calendar page

I'm still here, but everything has changed. 

Immortal

She came to me in a dream

Too big to be imaginary

Stole my heart like that old ballglove

And she's never gonna give it back to me

So if you need me I'll be sleeping on the floor

Just wishing for another day more

Squeezing metal like it's bringing her back

I can't hold a lead but I can follow a path

So I'm walking like I'm patrol

Just so the grass on her path won't grow

It's no use trying to hold this in

So I'll call out her name again

She gave me everything she had

An anchor to this drifting man

She kept me warm when the world was cold

So I couldn't let her leave it alone.

Sisyphian

Have I reached the top or at least getting close?

It's so hard to see through all of the smoke. 

I don't measure progress by the size of the boat.

I just need something that's gonna float.  

I shuttered the windows and locked all the doors.

Then I buried a ghost beneath the floorboards.

Tying new knots in a tattered old rope.

Tried to work out the kinks, but left off the hose. 

There's a few tricks still up my sleeve

but first I may need to pull some strings

There's going to be an unraveling

With any grace, we'll float away. 

Happy.

I was barely older than you when we found this little pup.

Her tail wouldn't stop wagging so she must've been happy

She was always stuck to my leg like a bootknife 

Never needed a lead, I knew she'd never leave

I was barely a man when I left her behind

and the years that past weren't always kind

She got so much older, started losing her sight

So I made more time and she held on alright

But things changed so fast and it's never seemed fair

that the day that she let go, I wasn't there

I loved her so much and without trying to be sappy

Every time I think of her, she can still make me happy. 

Words the Crows Speak

Above my head, the sun is spent

Each day it sets an all time low

The moon casts only a shadow

Of the light we won't let go

Beneath my feet the ground trembles

It grows with every step I take

We may never leave this earth

If we can't escape its quake

Inside this chest is an endless cavern

Whispering comforts from the deep

Drawing you in to twisting tunnels

Until you lose sight of what you seek. 

And yet there exists a spark

it lingers deep inside the core

a light inside this fickle heart

that yearns for yours, forevermore

Calypso and so.

wait! I'll be right there

I didn't hear you knocking

oh, it was the wind.

help! I can't get in

and my key is not working

did you change the locks? 

please! leave the light on

if I'm sleeping on the porch

just throw me a bone

stop! you've done so much

and I can't take any more

let me give you some 

dawn is approaching

and my teeth are chattering

time to start again

one more day until

this is just a memory

and future is now

Weird-o.

 

Yeah, he got weird

In layman's terms.

Truth is, he just

forgot to pretend.

He is entirely to blame

Never tried to get help

Never took took the steps

Never made amends

All he ever made

Was a mess.

Now there's fat chances

and a pit full of debris.

Yeah, he was alright

But not worth the moisture

Surely there are better

Ways to spend your time

Then crowding around here

Ignoring how you feel

Pretending to function

When you're not running stable

This build is still in beta

Still working out the bugs

and scheduling the release

But it's too late now

and people forgot

So it just sits

and collects dust.

When the wick meets gelignite

but you forget to clear the area

When salutations become salacious

Maybe I'll understand.

That's all I'm really after here

That's what we're here to find

Some push get up each consecutive day

Until we run out.

Yeah, I'm still here. Exploitation at it's finest.

Well!

How many seconds did it take?

Was it over in a flash?

Or did it slow down time, 

"Where is my mind?" 

How much pain did you feel? 

Did you dissassociate? 

Did you get a chance to pray

before the light faded away? 

Well, I'm sorry! 

I didn't mean to let you down, 

I wasn't doing too well myself. 

It's no excuse, I know. 

For what it's worth, I'm doing the best I can.

Do you remember hanging from the cabin rafters?

Or fireballs that burned our clothes in the woods?

The Roman Holiday, when we actually prayed

and thought that maybe God was on our side for once?

Well, I'm sorry! 

I didn't expect you to die, 

and I'm trying each day just to survive. 

It's no excuse, I know. 

I cut my rope, but I can't let go. 

Well, I'm sorry! 

I wish I had been around

I said I would be and I let you down

There's nothing I can do, you're in a box

And I'll I've got are forget-me-nots. 

"Don't kill yourself to raise the dead, you'll only end up joining them."