A Timeline of Grief: Perpetual

 

I was powerless in April

Until I turned the page over

Now I'm powerless in May

Out of ink from slashing days

I took the things you gave me, 

Now I reap what I sow

You saw the good inside of me,

and now, nobody knows.

The life I had

It's over now

The fruit went bad

Inside my hand

It's all a joke

I just don't get

I'm sorry for

My part in it

The sun had set

Before my eyes

I couldn't sleep

There was no time

I tried to melt

And drain away

It was so cold

But you remained

You weren't supposed to leave us. 

You never should have died. 

I wish I could have saved you. 

I'm sorry girl, I tried. 

I never knew the depths I could find

Forever digging with you on my mind

Another way to delay a little pain

As above, so below 

Only you will ever know

In dreams I'm stuck

Chasing after you

Around the bend

Where'd you run off to? 

The morning bell

I pay the toll

Embrace restraint 

And let it roll

A shell without a core 

Always searching for more

I've uploaded all the data

But still am incomplete 

It's like I'm losing power 

And the lights are getting dim 

The engine's revving high 

But I'm not moving 

Nothing else could have it

It's never coming back

My heart is in her memory

It's all that I have left

I don't want what I have, 

I would fold my hand

Just to take yours 

Only once more. 

Through the Window

Looking in from the window

What has life become? 

The glue holding me together

Has come undone

Every night under the moonlight

Always watching from the shadows.

Keeper of your every comfort,

Will I ever find my own? 

I don't want to live on your dime

But I feel like I've got more time

Is the choice really yours or mine? 

I don't think I'm ready to die.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I don't want nothing to count on me 

I don't want to let it all down 

It's hard enough to hold the line 

When you're leaning on a rain cloud

Didn't need to lay you down to rest 

You were already on the ground 

So I laid down beside you 

Until the sun came 'round

I didn't know what else to do

It seemed like it already happened

There was no light, or warmth, or hope.

The sun begat dark, cold, pain. 

Ever since I've been piling stones

and cursing winds of they ever fall. 

Praying to the birds that there's some meaning in this misery.

Some long awaited reward at the end of the pit.

Digging deeper, still.

Have I reached you yet? 

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There's a song in my heart

But it stopped when yours did

I can't lose if I don't play 

So what's the point?

I don't want your help

You just wouldn't get it

I don't want the pain

I just want to forget it. 

I don't mean that,

I'm sorry I said it.

but it hasn't been the same

and I'll always regret it.

1/3/26

1/3/26 

The calendar is full of lies 

The days are growing wings and I've

Been swatting them like flies, 

Avoiding my goodbye.

But if it's been so long

Then why can I still hear you

Every time that I come home? 

Now I walk the path alone. 

How many days have passed

Since I laid down beside you

and I tried to take to your pain

but only could make more. 

But how could it be so long? 

I can still feel you looking over my shoulder 

I still see your shadow coming closer 

I still hear you every time I come home. 

The days are flying by 

and here I am still stuck 

on the last calendar page

I'm still here, but everything has changed. 

Immortal

She came to me in a dream

Too big to be imaginary

Stole my heart like that old ballglove

And she's never gonna give it back to me

So if you need me I'll be sleeping on the floor

Just wishing for another day more

Squeezing metal like it's bringing her back

I can't hold a lead but I can follow a path

So I'm walking like I'm patrol

Just so the grass on her path won't grow

It's no use trying to hold this in

So I'll call out her name again

She gave me everything she had

An anchor to this drifting man

She kept me warm when the world was cold

So I couldn't let her leave it alone.

Good Grief!

A voicemail, replayed again and again. Your words, engraved into my brain and echoing through my head. I can't escape this feeling, the longing for just another conversation. The longing just to hear your voice again. It brings me to tears, and I'm paralyzed by this weight. 

I miss you, and I'm so sorry you were alone. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, and I didn't notice the pain you were going through. I want to move on, and I want to feel happy again, but the pain will not subside. It's an open wound, dripping and refusing to stop. I'm sorry is all I can even think to say, but there are no ears to hear my words. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. You should be here, but you're not. I could have helped you, but I didn't. I didn't know what was at stake, I didn't stop to think at all. 

I ruminate on every mistake, every missed call, every unspoken word. I'm digging myself into the ground by spinning my wheels until I'm buried beneath this guilt, this defeat. I was supposed to be there for you. I was supposed to anwer the call, and help you through anything. I failed you, and I can't stop thinking that things would be different if I had just answered the phone. 

I need to be strong. I need to be better, and move on. I'm trying, I swear I am. I'm trying so hard to be the person I'm supposed to be. The father, the husband, I'm supposed to be. I'm always coming up short, though. Always filling the tank, just to find another leak. But there is reason to persist. There are a multitude of reasons, in fact. There is warmth, and comfort, and solace in the memories and the wisdom that comes with understanding. 

But right now, I don't understand anything and I just want you to come back. It shouldn't be so hard to say goodbye, because you're already gone, but it is. My chest is heavy, it's hard to speak the words. Some days, it's so hard just to find the energy to get out of bed, but that doesn't fix anything. My stagnation only impedes my own progress, and the potentially postive impact I can have on those still here. I couldn't save you, and I'm sorry. I will always love you, and you will always be my family, my brother. 

Goodbye, my friend. 

Lonely Harts Rd.

Driving to town

I passed that place

The brand new fence

Hit me in the face

Knuckles turned white

Yet I was a stone 

What happened that night

I don't get to know

There's so much regret

I can't seem to let go

Would any of it have changed

If I answered the phone? 

I live with this

You don't get to

Maybe, I guess,

I'll see you soon?

I close my eyes

When I reach every bend

Almost there but

the nightmare never ends. 

It makes my heart race

I doubt I'll ever sit still

I hope you found peace

I doubt I ever will. 

There's some darkness 

That won't subside

No headlights ever will

Illuminate my mind.

I always get caught rambling

But I never get to stay

How's it been so long now

But it feels just like today?

There's so much of you left

So much I don't dare forget

You were the petal and the thorn,

Balance in it's truest form. 

My brother, my greatest friend, 

I'll miss you until I meet my end. 

And where ever I end up in death, 

I just hope there's peace in my last breath.