Good Grief!

A voicemail, replayed again and again. Your words, engraved into my brain and echoing through my head. I can't escape this feeling, the longing for just another conversation. The longing just to hear your voice again. It brings me to tears, and I'm paralyzed by this weight. 

I miss you, and I'm so sorry you were alone. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, and I didn't notice the pain you were going through. I want to move on, and I want to feel happy again, but the pain will not subside. It's an open wound, dripping and refusing to stop. I'm sorry is all I can even think to say, but there are no ears to hear my words. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. You should be here, but you're not. I could have helped you, but I didn't. I didn't know what was at stake, I didn't stop to think at all. 

I ruminate on every mistake, every missed call, every unspoken word. I'm digging myself into the ground by spinning my wheels until I'm buried beneath this guilt, this defeat. I was supposed to be there for you. I was supposed to anwer the call, and help you through anything. I failed you, and I can't stop thinking that things would be different if I had just answered the phone. 

I need to be strong. I need to be better, and move on. I'm trying, I swear I am. I'm trying so hard to be the person I'm supposed to be. The father, the husband, I'm supposed to be. I'm always coming up short, though. Always filling the tank, just to find another leak. But there is reason to persist. There are a multitude of reasons, in fact. There is warmth, and comfort, and solace in the memories and the wisdom that comes with understanding. 

But right now, I don't understand anything and I just want you to come back. It shouldn't be so hard to say goodbye, because you're already gone, but it is. My chest is heavy, it's hard to speak the words. Some days, it's so hard just to find the energy to get out of bed, but that doesn't fix anything. My stagnation only impedes my own progress, and the potentially postive impact I can have on those still here. I couldn't save you, and I'm sorry. I will always love you, and you will always be my family, my brother. 

Goodbye, my friend. 

Lonely Harts Rd.

Driving to town

I saw the place

That brand new fence

Hit me in the face

Knuckles turned white

and yet I was a stone 

What happened that night

I'll doubt I'll ever know. 

There's some regret

I can't let go

What would you have said

If I answered the phone? 

I live with this

You don't get to

Maybe I'll

see you soon?

Closing my eyes

When I reach the bend

Almost there but

the nightmares never end

It makes my heart race

don't think I'll ever sit still

I hope you found peace now

I doubt I ever will. 

There's some darkness 

That won't subside

No headlights will 

Illuminate my mind.

I get to go on rambling

I never get to stay

How's it been so long

But it feels just like today?

Growth On a Really, Really, Small Scale

Where did my mind go? 

I can't seem to find it anywhere. 

Where did the time go? 

I'm not supposed to be here.

Where is there person I was supposed to be? 

There's nothing but misdirection in front of me. 

The more that I strive to be a man, 

I'm reminded how much of a boy I still am. 

I just wish that you could see

the person that I want to be. 

Where do you go to get out of the rain when there's a downpour inside of your brain? 

What do you call yourself when you forget your own name?  

I'm alone in this world, because I live inside my mind. 

Every time I leave the house, someone else closes my mouth.

Long Ways

 You and I both know

We got a long ways left to go

The road ain't paved in gold

But you've got a hand to hold

As long as you're beside me

There's no sense in hiding

I've got so much time

I'm ready to resign

And if you wanna go

I'll go get your coat

And if you wanna stay

That's all you have to say

You and I both know

We've got so far to go

The road ain't paved in gold

But you've got a hand to hold

Tumbleweed

I'm still out there searching, for what I don't know. 

Still haven't found it anywhere I go.

I'm just a tumbleweed rolling along, 

A big gust of wind comes and I'm gone. 

I pick up my head and widen my eyes, 

but still I can't see through all of the flies.

There's a knife in my pocket, it's edge has been lost

So many strings cut with no regard for the cost.

I'm just a survivor, out here on the range.

Still looking for purpose for the rest of my days. 

I'm just a marauder with no moral code. 

Searching for warmth in my humble abode. 

When my season comes and the dog days gone, 

I'll be left with my empty jar and mournful song. 

"I'm just a tumbleweed, rolling along. 

A big gust of wind comes and I'm gone."

Overdue

 the things I'd do 

to prove I'm true

my love for you

is overdue

there's nothing to

my love for you

it's painted blue

and lonely too 

the things I'd do

to prove to you

my love is true

but it's overdue

my love for you

is overdue

Soggy

 down it comes

will it ever stop?

gutters clogged

spilling over the top

used to let

things run its course

now I fret

in my discord

saturated

all around

the ground makes

that squishy sound

it will be soaked

it will be wet

but then it will stop.

no healthy upstream

 I tried to say it, yet again

Crumbled up the paper before I even wrote the words

None of it matters anymore, if it ever even did. 

I can say the same thing in a thousand languages

but I can't make it make sense. 

If I was a kinder man

If I could still a shaky hand

If there was promise left inside

If it wasn't infected with rot

I don't know why it fixates me so

There's nothing but phantoms in my reflection

When did my focus become so distorted?

How long before my eyes fully adjust? 

My insides are twisted

I'm being held up with wire

My animation is not my intent

Who's calling the shots here? 

MOVE.

 Voices in my ears

pulling me backwards

calling my name

in a familial tone

Telling me to look

under every stone

but everything dissolved

inside of my hands

they all turn to sand

and float through my fingers

I cannot contain

what drifts away

I am translucent

and yet

still in the way. 

Waves

On the first day, I was lost

Scrambling around

In the desert

Crawling on my knees

I couldn't even breath

Then came the wave

And I was carried out to sea

Trying to keep my head

Above the water

I still couldn't breath

And when I washed ashore

There was acceptance

And peace

But only for a time

Until another wave

Carries me again

This time much further

And it takes all night

Just to be washed ashore

And crawling back again

But this time tentative

And avoidant and afraid

Because it doesn't take much

Before another wave

And everytime it happens

I hold a little more water

Inside my lungs

Barely able to breath

But there's always healing

Just with a little

More scar tissue